Saturday, September 22, 2012

The Naked Truth: Part 1

It has been a thousand years since I posted. Okay, oozing melodrama already, but it feels like a friggin long time! I have 198 beautiful, wonderful followers, and I appreciate you all so much for sticking with me even though I've been MIA. I have really truly missed you! I've been faithfully painting my nails every few days and I was even taking pictures of fun manis up until a short while ago (camera is dead, ohh the humanity!) but I just haven't had any extra oompf left in me for posting. This next bit is mostly for my benefit because writing my feelings and thoughts down feels like I'm giving them away. I think that's the writer in me :) I realized recently how much writing means to me. Journaling every night has been so therapeutic. However, journaling is also very intimate, and I think baring my troubles to the world might just help me face the reality that my future is up to me. Let me explain.

Few of you know that I have a very rare skin/autoimmune condition called Hidradenitis Suppurativa. It isn't something I share with just anyone. The specifics aren't interesting, but the simple truth is that it is extraordinarily painful. Indescribably painful. I can honestly say that I haven't had a pain free day since early 2010, maybe even before. I've probably had HS my whole life, but it made its appearance in 2006 and has gradually become worse and worse. I've seen countless doctors who are so intimidated by the severity of my condition that they tell me not to come back to see them. (I am totally not fishing for sympathy, please understand. And if you think that, you can get lost anyway. Seriously.)

Most days I try to sit very still and keep necessary objects close by. If my camera isn't right on my desk when I paint my nails, I don't make the effort to go get it, thus.. fewer pictures. =/ It makes me sad, but it's pivotal to maintain some semblance of comfort. Despite how morose all this sounds, I do pretty well! I make it to class twice a week for a few hours and I really, really hope to get a job soon. No job = money for polish. I can hardly bear to ask my parents for money to put gas in my car every few weeks (Thank the LORD for my sweet little Honda! 30 MPG!) much less for $10+ for the indies I keep eyeballing, those gorgeous bastards.

I initially started painting my nails daily because it was something I could do without moving too much. Plus, if I have to sit around and do nothing at least I can look fancy doing it! Because I can do so little, I don't have friends anymore. After a major falling out with friends I thought I had last year I've essentially been going this alone. I have my sweet boyfriend, and my family. I have a few girlfriends that I really would love to hang out with more often, but it's embarrassing to have to make up excuses to leave early, or to wear yoga pants year round because jeans hurt too much, or to skip alcohol because I can't take pain meds and drink, or to avoid hot days because sweating makes me sick. It's hard to not be normal around normal people. So, most of the time it's just easier to be by myself. This breeds a great deal of loneliness. It's easier for me to be alone, but I have the personality of ten people, or so I've been told :) I crave company. I'm happiest surrounded by people. So you can see where I struggle with being alone. Luckily I have some pretty sweet blogger friends- you know who you are! <3

There isn't a definitive point to this post, really. I'm just glad it's out there. Now you know a little more about me. This is the less fun portion of these posts... the next one? Scandalous.

Stay tuned :)

Rachael




6 comments:

  1. I like this post. It's interesting to see and know more about the person behind the swatches and posts. I can't wait to read the next installment now!

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    1. You are so sweet! I was concerned about posting it, but figured what the heck. I'm so glad you enjoyed reading it because there will be plenty more like it! :)

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  2. Thanks for this peek into your life. You are very brave

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    1. Thank you so much. No one has ever told me that, and it really made me smile. :)

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  3. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. We've talked on Twitter about medical issues and I had no idea it was so bad. It's great that you're getting the word out there about it. I read another post about HS after reading yours and she pointed out that there is so much awareness and support for some things, like breast cancer, yet HS effects more people and there is less awareness.

    Keep on keepin' on.

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  4. I appreciate you sharing such personal information with all of us. It's not something thats easy and I commend you on that! I noticed you reappearing on twitter recently mentioning having good days, so now I kinda know what you were referring to. I can't say I have any idea of what you are going through medically, but I've been going through a huge rough patch for quite a few months now and I know one thing that's helped to keep my chin up is blogging and socializing with all other bloggers and followers so I'm super happy to see you back at blogging (and tweeting!). I'll be expecting to see more posts from you missy...especially now that you mention scandal! :P

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