Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The Naked Truth: Part 2

This post is guaranteed to be MORE nakeder and MORE truthier! or something.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate the sweet comments on my last post. I was a little nervous about it, but you all made me feel supported and loved! <3

Today's topic: Bitterness and Anger

I have a few major reasons to be extremely bitter and angry. Some days, I AM very angry. Not at anyone in particular, but at my situation. I feel sorry for my parents and my boyfriend more often than myself. My parents... I'd be hopeless without them. I know for a fact my mother works as many 12 hour shifts as she does for my medical bills. And my boyfriend? He's an unwavering pillar of delicious smelling strength. He has painted my toes for me TWICE when I couldn't do it myself, for example. Without being asked. Right? What a guy! More often than not we end up on the couch watching bad TV. (Hello, new season of The Office!) He's the most tangible form of perfection I've ever known. I just wish I could be healthy for him. I wish I could be the normal girlfriend he deserves, the one who can go to movies and for walks in the park and even just to the grocery store anytime he runs out of cran-grape juice. It doesn't seem to bother him though. He has never, not ever, complained, or even mentioned how often we end up just watching Netflix, or just cuddling. It may not seem like much, but it's the world to me. What a special man he is.

sap sap sap, you know you like it. ;)

Anyway, back to being pissed off. Here's what irritates the tits off of me. And this is just me, being insensitive to the emotions of others.
"I'm so sick... I probably have a cold."
"My body hates me. I get pink eye like, twice a year."
"WHY ME, WHYYY?? Why do I have to get paper cuts? I HATE my life!"
and the ever popular
"Seriously, you don't know how hard my life is... I have like the worst luck. I have cramps for like two days in. a. row."

-collective sigh of disgust-

These are the Facebook statuses, twitter updates, emails and texts that make me want to eat a tub of cookie dough and then THROW IT ALL UP.

Granted, if I expect my feelings to have significance, then those people certainly deserve to have the same right. I would never, ever tell someone that their cold is NO BIG DEAL, or that they need to get over their 48 hour, ibuprofen cured cramps, or that pink eye is essentially their own fault. (hello, fecal matter + eye? doesn't happen to everyone.)

However, I do take a hefty double shot of "Take a deep breath, Rachael" (vodka works too) when I see stuff like that. True, colds suck. True, cramps are the devil roiling around in our uteruses. (is it uteri? idk) and I'm sure pink eye is no walk in the park, but pleeeease. I bite my tongue and remind myself that it's good that minor hurts are all these people know. I wouldn't wish pain on anyone  most people. I just get so jealous of their colds and cramps and paper cuts. I would kill for those problems. But that certainly isn't their fault.

Anyway. I can't expect the world to understand me when the world isn't me, but that doesn't mean I don't get frustrated. I feel like my life is on hold for now, like I'm just waiting to wake up and be better. It probably won't happen. But maybe it will gradually get better and be a simple annoyance, instead of a daily struggle. I'm waiting! Until then, I'll wear my yoga pants proudly, and my scars will just be a testament to the battles I've fought and won.

I'm losing weight, too. Almost twenty pounds so far! I'm hoping that 1) it makes my HS easier to manage and 2) makes my ass look more fabulous in my yogas. GOALS ARE GOOD RIGHT?

OH, and I really hope to start volunteering at an animal shelter soon. I friggin love animals. They never judge me for letting my bra straps show, or my coffee breath, or my frizz factor hair. Seriously, I can't be bothered to brush my hair every day.. who even does that? ....

At the risk of sounding like an infomercial, let me say this! If you are struggling with a disease or condition of any kind and would like someone to talk to, please feel free to contact me. No, seriously. I insist! I can be your source of witty banter, sarcasm, nutella recipes, and animal memes. Plus other stuff like positive encouragement and happy thoughts.

Love you too.



Sunday, September 23, 2012

OPI Gargantuan Green Grape - stamped!

Welcome, Erma and Gerds, to my first nail post in many moons.
I LOVED this mani and actually wore it for three days. That's a big deal! The base is OPI Gargantuan Green Grape. I received this beauty in a Fall Secret Santa group from the lovely Dana at Polished Claws Up! She is so sweet, and really spoiled me. This color is TO DIE FOR. Minty goodness really butters my muffin, and I don't know why I don't have a thousand colors like it. I must rectify that! But first, here's the oddly named and perfectly formulated GGG for your viewing pleasure.

 Two easy coats, stamped with a new Bundlemonster 2012 plate (I'll get the plate number asap!) and then dotted with Kleancolor Metallic Pink. Topcoat of Seche Vite.


What do you think? It kind of reminded me of a mermaid... maybe because I just want to BE a mermaid sometimes. Minus the shell bra. That just couldn't be supportive.



Saturday, September 22, 2012

The Naked Truth: Part 1

It has been a thousand years since I posted. Okay, oozing melodrama already, but it feels like a friggin long time! I have 198 beautiful, wonderful followers, and I appreciate you all so much for sticking with me even though I've been MIA. I have really truly missed you! I've been faithfully painting my nails every few days and I was even taking pictures of fun manis up until a short while ago (camera is dead, ohh the humanity!) but I just haven't had any extra oompf left in me for posting. This next bit is mostly for my benefit because writing my feelings and thoughts down feels like I'm giving them away. I think that's the writer in me :) I realized recently how much writing means to me. Journaling every night has been so therapeutic. However, journaling is also very intimate, and I think baring my troubles to the world might just help me face the reality that my future is up to me. Let me explain.

Few of you know that I have a very rare skin/autoimmune condition called Hidradenitis Suppurativa. It isn't something I share with just anyone. The specifics aren't interesting, but the simple truth is that it is extraordinarily painful. Indescribably painful. I can honestly say that I haven't had a pain free day since early 2010, maybe even before. I've probably had HS my whole life, but it made its appearance in 2006 and has gradually become worse and worse. I've seen countless doctors who are so intimidated by the severity of my condition that they tell me not to come back to see them. (I am totally not fishing for sympathy, please understand. And if you think that, you can get lost anyway. Seriously.)

Most days I try to sit very still and keep necessary objects close by. If my camera isn't right on my desk when I paint my nails, I don't make the effort to go get it, thus.. fewer pictures. =/ It makes me sad, but it's pivotal to maintain some semblance of comfort. Despite how morose all this sounds, I do pretty well! I make it to class twice a week for a few hours and I really, really hope to get a job soon. No job = money for polish. I can hardly bear to ask my parents for money to put gas in my car every few weeks (Thank the LORD for my sweet little Honda! 30 MPG!) much less for $10+ for the indies I keep eyeballing, those gorgeous bastards.

I initially started painting my nails daily because it was something I could do without moving too much. Plus, if I have to sit around and do nothing at least I can look fancy doing it! Because I can do so little, I don't have friends anymore. After a major falling out with friends I thought I had last year I've essentially been going this alone. I have my sweet boyfriend, and my family. I have a few girlfriends that I really would love to hang out with more often, but it's embarrassing to have to make up excuses to leave early, or to wear yoga pants year round because jeans hurt too much, or to skip alcohol because I can't take pain meds and drink, or to avoid hot days because sweating makes me sick. It's hard to not be normal around normal people. So, most of the time it's just easier to be by myself. This breeds a great deal of loneliness. It's easier for me to be alone, but I have the personality of ten people, or so I've been told :) I crave company. I'm happiest surrounded by people. So you can see where I struggle with being alone. Luckily I have some pretty sweet blogger friends- you know who you are! <3

There isn't a definitive point to this post, really. I'm just glad it's out there. Now you know a little more about me. This is the less fun portion of these posts... the next one? Scandalous.

Stay tuned :)